due date

Yesterday was the day that our son, Christian, was due to be born. We've known, since the day that he died, that some days would be harder than others. Some days would feel normal, after all, we never did have a child to hold, and some days there would be a hole that only comfort from God's Word could help.

Yesterday was one of those harder days. We need him to be acknowledged by those who love us, because we love him, and he died. So, even though it would be easier to see no picture of him and hear no kind words from others, it's absolutely necessary to be reminded that people love us and him. Yesterday, we dropped the baby I watch at my mom's house for the day, and, after visiting both sets of grandparents with flowers, we went to the graveside for the first time. There we sat together on a stone bench and cried, because we miss the life our son should have lived.

After that we got out of town, over to Smithfield to wander up and down brick sidewalks and in and out of vintage or second hand stores. We held hands all day, and there's nothing more beautiful on earth than a day spent with the man I love. We ate ice cream and split pea soup, chocolate covered peanut butter and crab meat burgers. We bought a recipe box, honey sticks, and took little breaks to cry when someone texted us or facebooked us something sweet. Mostly it was a day to just be together, walking through stores we'd never stepped inside, and singing loudly in the car.

On Wednesday, I'd been reminded of a truth in my Bible reading, "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12 

Our heart is sick by hope deferred, but God knows the desire of our hearts, and if we can find our delight in Him, He has promised us that tree of life. (Psalm 37:4)

I'll end with the words on his gravestone: Carried with hope. Born in silence. Remembered with love, always.