a mother

Everyday I could write a post called "babies" and fill it with the emotional nonsense that makes me so aware I'm a woman. Every month, for 15 years now, I haven't been pregnant. There's a tug in my stomach that makes my heart hurt, and I review in my mind a list of faithless "what if?"s. This post is merely to fill the void of space with the words that overflow my heart. My entire life I have wanted nothing but the joy of raising babies. If you had asked 16 year old Amanda what she wanted to "be" or "do" it was always the same.

"I just want to be a mother."

Later, I added wife too, because, of course, that's what I had meant all along. I only want to fill my days kissing toes and cleaning messes. Now I'm married and in "that stage". It used to be that when I carried a baby through a grocery store, people assumed I was watching it. For years then, people started asking, "Is she yours?", but now when I tote around a little one people tell me to "treasure the moments" and "she won't be little like that for long". I don't have a baby, and it makes my core ache.

The Bible says in Proverbs 30 that there are three things that are never satisfied, and it lists me there. The barren womb.

And who knows? Maybe next month I'll be pregnant. :) Maybe we'll adopt.

But, before any of that happens, I've had to come to the realization that I can't put this first. Do you know what the first commandment is? I was talking to the kids we drive to church on Wednesday about the commandments, and they were guessing that "Thou shalt not kill" was first. Good guess, sure. But, no. The first commandment is that we should have no gods before God. Easy enough, right? I never worship any other gods. I only worship God the Father. BUT do you know what the second commandment is? It's that we shouldn't make any graven image. Any statue. Any fake god to worship. So, the second commandment is really that we should worship any other gods, and if that is true then what is the first commandment?

The first commandment is that God has to come first.

Anything we put before God in importance becomes a god to us. Babies have become my god. They consume my energy and thoughts. They're what we talk about at home. Some people think I haven't gotten pregnant because I'm "stressed" about getting pregnant, but I'm so completely not stressed. I wonder though, if I haven't gotten pregnant because I haven't let God be first. I don't want my babies to have a mother who doesn't let God have His place.

A good friend of mine reminded me of this recently. Someone who I can be honest with and tell all the icky ins and outs of my thoughts, listened to me, but then reminded me that God needs to be first. It's what I needed. Maybe your god isn't babies. Maybe there's something else that you let be more important to you than God. Maybe you needed this reminder just like I did.

Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

What's "it"? For me it's babies. I don't know what it is for you. 


  1. What a beautiful post Amanda. Your words hit home for me as this is where I was a couple short years ago. When my husband and I got married, babies were all that I could think about. As we began trying to get pregnant God began to show me that I had put my desire for children above all else. In short, it took us two years to get pregnant and I can look back now and say that throughout that time God was teaching me a lesson. He was showing me that I need him before I need anything else.

    I'm so thankful that it took us that long to get pregnant. I feel that it has made me a better Christ-centered mother. I share all of this as a way of encouraging you to continue to seek God, as you always have. I have always been inspired by your blog (and your new home is BEAUTIFUL). I will be praying for you!

    1. Thanks for the encouragement! It's hard when you "know" something, but you're not living it. It's been good for me to be honest and open. :)

  2. This was such a beautiful and heartfelt post. My husband and I were also (in a sense) trying to take control of our lives. Trying to plan it all out, wanting things to be done a certain way and by a certain time. And then suddenly one day my husband remembered the same thing... "We need to put God first... and he will take care of everything for us." I did get pregnant (that was such a blessing), but then we both lost our jobs when I was 7 months pregnant (a test of our faith I guess you could say). We stayed positive and kept telling each other that God will provide and take care of us. That he has our well-being in mind and that he has plans for us. Ever since we allowed God to be the forefront of our lives... everything is falling in to place. I truly wish the best for you. God definitely has a wonderful plan for you, and you will make a wonderful mother one day! Prayers for you and your family.

    1. Thank you for praying and sharing your own story!


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