a mother

Everyday I could write a post called "babies" and fill it with the emotional nonsense that makes me so aware I'm a woman. Every month, for 15 years now, I haven't been pregnant. There's a tug in my stomach that makes my heart hurt, and I review in my mind a list of faithless "what if?"s. This post is merely to fill the void of space with the words that overflow my heart. My entire life I have wanted nothing but the joy of raising babies. If you had asked 16 year old Amanda what she wanted to "be" or "do" it was always the same.

"I just want to be a mother."

Later, I added wife too, because, of course, that's what I had meant all along. I only want to fill my days kissing toes and cleaning messes. Now I'm married and in "that stage". It used to be that when I carried a baby through a grocery store, people assumed I was watching it. For years then, people started asking, "Is she yours?", but now when I tote around a little one people tell me to "treasure the moments" and "she won't be little like that for long". I don't have a baby, and it makes my core ache.

The Bible says in Proverbs 30 that there are three things that are never satisfied, and it lists me there. The barren womb.

And who knows? Maybe next month I'll be pregnant. :) Maybe we'll adopt.

But, before any of that happens, I've had to come to the realization that I can't put this first. Do you know what the first commandment is? I was talking to the kids we drive to church on Wednesday about the commandments, and they were guessing that "Thou shalt not kill" was first. Good guess, sure. But, no. The first commandment is that we should have no gods before God. Easy enough, right? I never worship any other gods. I only worship God the Father. BUT do you know what the second commandment is? It's that we shouldn't make any graven image. Any statue. Any fake god to worship. So, the second commandment is really that we should worship any other gods, and if that is true then what is the first commandment?

The first commandment is that God has to come first.

Anything we put before God in importance becomes a god to us. Babies have become my god. They consume my energy and thoughts. They're what we talk about at home. Some people think I haven't gotten pregnant because I'm "stressed" about getting pregnant, but I'm so completely not stressed. I wonder though, if I haven't gotten pregnant because I haven't let God be first. I don't want my babies to have a mother who doesn't let God have His place.

A good friend of mine reminded me of this recently. Someone who I can be honest with and tell all the icky ins and outs of my thoughts, listened to me, but then reminded me that God needs to be first. It's what I needed. Maybe your god isn't babies. Maybe there's something else that you let be more important to you than God. Maybe you needed this reminder just like I did.

Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

What's "it"? For me it's babies. I don't know what it is for you.