let me not be ashamed

Psalm 25 says, "Oh my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed..."

Even in Christian's death, I trust in Him.

Even in this overwhelming peace that God has given us, several times, I have been too ashamed to say outloud, "He's my God. I trust Him." I do trust Him, but I am too often ashamed. Even to raise my hand in the midst of my church family and say that God has been good to us, I am ashamed. Worried, even, that someone will see my faith in God and think that I don't love Christian like they love their children. I love him with a love that makes me ache, but I can still trust God with him. God is trustworthy.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. So we trust God to give us other babies to raise. Babies we get to take home from the hospital and watch grow. Babies other mommies don't want. However it works out that God gives us a family, we can trust in Him. I need to say these things out loud so you hear them. I have witnessed the grace that God gives.

In the car between my obgyn appointment, where they couldn't find his heartbeat, and the hospital, after I cried on the phone with my husband and told him to meet me three months early in labor and delivery, after I got off the phone with my dad who prayed with me, I turned on the radio so I wouldn't have to sit in silence and sob.

These words filled my car, "You are the everlasting God. Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord." The lyrics ended but the music continued and then, a little boy's voice came onto the radio. A little boy said, "The Lord is the everlasting God. The creator of all the Earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youth will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion, but those that trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."

I've never needed strength like I did in that car that morning, and God reminded me that He is strength. He is everlasting. He created Christian. He understands. He gives new strength. All of that in the Bible passage the little, blonde boy quoted (Isaiah 40:28-31). What, Amanda? You couldn't tell he was blonde just by listening to him quote the Bible on the radio. Yes. Yes, I could. God did that for me. Gave me the exact words from His Word that I needed to hear from the mouth of a little, blonde boy. I looked him up. He is blonde, just like my Christian. I already knew he was.

God is good. I trust in Him.