Most of these pictures were taken on January 2nd, 2015, the day they told me his heart had stopped beating. When I look at how full my belly looks, I have trouble swallowing and my eyes burn. He was already in heaven when I took these pictures. I was gearing up for a "twenty-five week" post that I assumed I'd be writing after my doctor's visit. I thought I'd tell you how big he was getting, and in the end I did. 12 inches big. 1 pound, 4 ounces big. I left my camera on my bed to remind myself to write the post that afternoon. I spent that night in a hospital bed with a fever and contractions.
I ended up writing the post to tell you the next day, January 3rd, 2015; The day he was born, or died, though we received neither a birth nor death certificate. I wrote the post on the two-hour drive out of town, in the foggy rain, the windshield matching my own blurry vision. I still have words I need to say about him, though I can't find a way to frame them into thoughts. My handsome son. I wish I could tell you he was kind, athletic, hard-working, creative, fun, curious, and smart. He would have been. All I can tell you is that he was beautiful. Such a handsome face.
Please, don't ever think that you could bring him up and accidentally remind me of him. I'm thinking of him, already.
Please, don't pretend that he didn't exist. That I didn't carry him. That we don't love him. Don't pretend that he wasn't a person. A baby. My son.
I know it's hard when someone goes through something that you've never gone through, and you don't know what they need, so I'm telling you. I need you to pray for us and tell us that you're praying. I need you to hug me, and not say anything if you don't know what you should say. I need you to talk about him. Tell us what you know he would have been. Loved. He would have been loved.
Job lost much more than we have, and yet he spoke words that ring in my mind as absolute truth, "... The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord."
Still praying for you. My heart hurts for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sara. We need your prayers.
DeleteI realized something about Job lately. God gave him double of everything he lost, except for his children, and I've always wondered about that. It occurred to me suddenly though that it was for the simple reason that you can replace sheep and camels, but our children are irreplaceable and they are our children forever. Job had ten more children added and they brought him much joy, but I guarantee he never felt like they made up for the loss of his first ten.
ReplyDeleteI want to warn you of something that is rather personal, but that nobody bothered to tell me and I wished I had prepared for. When my cycle came back the first time, it was much worse than usual, and physically and emotionally I felt like I was losing my baby all over again. I discovered by research that this is to be expected; I don't know why that was not told to me.
Thank you, Dinah for the heads up.
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